Motherless Day

For so many years, Mother’s Day was a sad one for me. A day full of reminders of what I’d lost. Of that huge part of me that I still miss every day.
Then, three years ago, I became a Mother and suddenly, Mother’s Day became a celebration. A celebration of this whole new life that I’d found myself in. This all consuming, overwhelming, unimaginable rollercoaster ride of love and despair and joy and adventure that being a mum gives you. Suddenly, I could appreciate my own mum in an entirely new light. I immediately understood, in startling clarity, the bravery with which she faced her final months; knowing she would be forced to leave her children and knowing that just the thought of having to do the same, breaks me. I have experienced the unparalleled love between Mother & child from both sides and realise now, the pain that my amazing Grandparents must have endured, losing their little girl. I comprehend now the tolerance, patience, knowledge, and unwavering adoration that parenthood involves and with which I was raised. I comprehend it and I try to raise my children with the same values.
Being a mum, without a mum, is a steep learning curve. Feeling your way around this place we call Motherhood, without the guidance of someone who’s been there before. Gradually reaching some sort of recognition of the journey they experienced too. Of everything that they gave to you, before it all became overshadowed simply by the empty space they’ve left behind.
Becoming a Mother has forced me to think more about my own. Not just about the agony of losing her, of living a life without her, but about what came before. About all the in & outs, ups & downs of her own Motherhood journey. I’m not the same person that my mum was. There are things I do differently. Things that, given the chance, she might have done differently too. Because what I do know, what I know now more than anything about being a mum, is that we all do the best we can. We face judgement every single step of the way, but everything we do, we do for our children. That’s what being a mother is. It is the most important job in the world. So happy Mother’s Day to you all.
May your day bring breakfast in bed, minimal tantrums and lots and lots of love.

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